Hey, sorry I haven't been posting. But I just haven't really thought about it. My first week at school was very stressful. After that, things started to settle down... Which was good for me.. But everytime I feel like I'm starting to get happy and make new friends, it feels like something comes and ruins it... I've only been here for three weeks, and I don't think I've felt even more alone than I do now. I mean, sure, I do have a couple solid friends, but I don't know if any others are really.... I mean, Shawn's a nice guy and all.... But I don't know. It's harder for me to have guy friend's than it is for me to have a girl friend. Because of my past. No one at this school knows much about me... The only thing I've really talked about is Amanda... But she's not my past... She's my best friend. I don't even think of telling people about me... It just never comes to my mind... But when I'm around Shawn, it's different. I have so many things that are in my head that I want to tell him. So many things I want to argue about with him. But I can't seem to bring myself to say them... The first night he called me, it was so hard to keep from telling him... I believe one shouldn't hold in what they feel... But this is different. I guess you could call me a hypocript... I always hold in what I feel sometimes, but most of the time you can tell, or I'll tell you exactly how I feel... I don't understand why there are rates on blogs... I mean, sure, some of the blogs can be used for someone's story, music, poem, ect.. but you can't just rate someone's life. You can use the comments to give someone advice... But you can't rate and be like, that person's life sucks, but I'm gonna try and make him/her feel better by rating and saying it's awesome... My head feels so cloudy... Right now I just can't stop thinking about Chris... And I hate it... I just want to talk to him just once, tell him how I feel. What I think. Maybe then, I could stop thinking about my first love...

Hey, yeah, today I went to my new school. It's just so much bigger than Payson. And the map of the school... That doesn't help me. At all. It doesn't even show where the restrooms are, so when I have to pee, I'm gonna get sooo lost!! I went to the eye doctor today also. My new prescription is so much more than my old. Which I just got these glasses four months ago. The reason I went was cause I'm getting contacts. I haven't told anybody yet. I figured I'd surprise people. But I don't get them til another week. I don't remember when I get my new lenses. I got my mugshot taken for school. :D Normally it's the week after school starts. But that's for Payson. I really need to stop comparing Payson to Lebanon. But I can't really help it. I've been living in Payson all my life. And when my father was married to Regina, he lived in Quincy with her and her children. But his job required him to travel. So I rarely got to see him. And we talked to each other even less than we saw each other. Lebanon is bigger, but Dad and Sheila just don't understand why I'm so nervous. As I was walking out of the school, this one guy was staring at me... That was the second time I was leaving. But my hair was down, unlike the first time (cuz i had pictures...) and I was wearing a hat. And I kept pulling it down so people couldn't see my eyes. I guess I'm just wierd like that. Well, it's almost official though... New school, new home, new friends, new life.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!! I'm soo happy! I'm finally 16!! Although, it sucks cause I won't be able to get my license... Darn. Oh well! My dad and step mom are taking me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant!!! But sorry I haven't really been on. I've just never really thought about it. And I've been working on one of my stories. And it's not getting very far, but I dunno if I like how it's turning out. Despite everything else, I'm really happy. Even this morning, I was a bit bummed. My mom sent me a text. A frickin' text! She didn't call me. This is the first birthday I've spent away from Payson. I don't know why she didn't call. Amanda said that she probably thought I was busy or something. Well, I don't care. She's my mother, right? And if I was busy, I'd have called her back later or something. I mean, come on. Whatever. I'm not going to let that get my mood down. I get to see hot guys tonight!!! And I'll be wearing a new PURPLE shirt I got at Khol's!!! It's hot. I'm just soo happy. OH MY GOSH!!! I called my grandma this morning before she went to church, and she said that maybe all the guys would kiss me.... I was probably blushing badly... Then she's like maybe I should call them up.... I love my grandma. She's my best friend. I got the Worlds Collide CD by Apocalyptica. I'm sooo excited. I also got a new Barbie movie!!!!! WOO!! I dunno how many I have now. But I think I'm gonna try and watch it before we leave for the restaurant... BYE!!!!!

My day would pretty much be boring for anybody else. But for me, it was pretty cool. My computer screen had died, so I wasn't able to get on my computer. But my dad has my laptop hooked up to his monitor. I read all day while listening to music. I played with Tip. (My new kitten, got her as a birthday present from my best friend.) And then, after I finished the book and after lunch, I watched a movie. Barbie for all of you curious folk. As I mentioned in my first blogs, that I didn't have friends. Or whatever. But I don't know about my friends status anymore. I mean, Amanda, well, I was mad at her. Then I became mad at every other one of my friends. But them of course didn't know, it being summer and all. It's sad really, none of my friends talk to me over summer. I guess it's my fault as well as theirs. But some friends have jobs. Unlike me... Yet. Others I haven't even talked to since the last day of school. Amanda, Kayla, and Donnie are really the only ones that I've talked to more than once. I've only talked to Evan twice. First on MySpace, then on messenger. But that was it. I don't go to any of their houses, because I think it'd feel wierd just going to their house. Without everybody else. The only person who I'm really comfortable around without having any of our friends around is Amanda and Donnie. But even Donnie sometimes it feels wierd hanging out with him. I'd just prefer to talk to people over the computer or text. I hate talking on the phone. My life seems pretty dramatic. Well, atleast to me it does. I don't know if I want to stay with my dad, or go back with my mom. But yeah, I'm still hoping for suggestions on that. Maybe from someone who's been there. I don't know. I'm not ready for change, yet I'm dying to start over. And leave my heartache behind.

My dad and his wife are coming today. They should be here around 3pm my time. I'm so bored. I know I haven't been on in awhile. But before, I was at my grandma's and she doesn't have a computer. But we did a lot of things. We went to the St. Louis Zoo. Where my cousin and her father got into a fight. It reminded me of the time my father and I fought last summer. My birthday is in a week and a day. I won't be home for it. Well, where I'm at now. In my hometown. Where I was born and raised. I'll be at my new home. My home with my father. I don't know what all is going on today. My mom is rather dressed up, and normally she's not, unless somethings going on today. I'm kind of nervous about moving in with my dad. I keep thinking that something is going to go wrong while I'm gone for the two weeks. I'm so confused. My thoughts and feelings are all tangled up. I'm so worried about my best friend Zach. I haven't talked to him in more than a week. And his MySpace says he hasn't been on since Monday. And since I've been home, he hasn't been on. I just hope nothing happened while I was gone and that he just has work or something. I'm really worried. He was gone before because he had to clear his head. I just don't know about him anymore. I mean, it's like we don't seem to have anything to say to each other. At all. I'm just so confused about Zach. He's amazing and I can tell him everything, but I just dont' know. I hate that he lives so far away. You know, we haven't even met away from the computer. Yet, he's my best friend. I think I depend on him way too much. Whatever, anyway, if anyone has any advice for me, just message me I guess. Not like it really matters. Nothing seems to anymore. I think I'm just going to find something to do, to cure my boredom and while I wait for my dad.