Schweißen, lernen alles, das ich kann, über Autos so ich kann restaurieren ältere Auto's . Ich möchte Deutsch verbessern, obwohl ich geboren und aufgewachsen bin für einen meinen Teil meines Lebens dort verbracht habe ich mit der Zeit einiges verlernt . Ich schreibe Gedichte und Musik zum Ausdruck zu mir selbst. Ich genieße die Fotografie ein gutes Bild zu finden ist ein Hobby von mir.

Es ist nicht, wehn ich wirklich begegnen will, aber , jemand den ich wirklich gerne noch einmal sehen, obwohl ihre nicht möglich. Ich möchte meinen Vater sehen, nur noch einmal, obwohl er starb, als ich sieben Jahre alt war. Die Worte, die ich am meisten vermisse Anhörung aus meinem Vater ist: "Ich bin stolz auf dich Sohn". Mein Vater Geburtsdatum 14. Dezember 1965. Der Tag, mein Vater departed dieses Leben war am 22. Juli 1997.

I'm so sick of this shit that always happens its the same nothing I do even matters so why try to please anyone. I try my hardest not to screw up, but somehow thats inevitable. The people that try to manipulate me, can go fuck themselves because I'm never going to change for the likes you. The person who expects me to do everything and never shows any gratitude for anything I do, get the hell out of my life! People wonder why I'm so fucked up beyond repair. I'm living the way I want to for a change and not put up with the hypocritical bull shit. I shut myself out from the rest of the world to expand my understanding of living and to find a point to live. My life is a disgusting cesspool of hatred and depressing thoughts. I want something or someone who is understanding and caring to get through this pointless existence. I seem to be the family fuck up which is good for everyone else because I could be the scapegoat for everyone's problems. I live in such a tormented life it is pointless to fight what I have become. My willpower to have happiness has ceased to exist. The thought of hurting my friend's emotionally because of suicide is what keeps me alive, although I want death so badly. Maybe one day I shall have happiness in my life once again. I would rather have people hate me for everthing I am, than someone love me for what I'm not.

FAKE FRiENDS: Never ask for food.
REAl FRiENDS: Are the reason you have no food.

FAKE FRiENDS: Call your parents Mr/Mrs
REAl FRiENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM

FAKE FRiENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAl FRiENDS: Would sit next to you sayin "Damn ... we fucked up ... but that shit was fun!"

FAKE FRiENDS: Never seen you cry.
REAl FRiENDS: Cry with you

FAKE FRiENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAl FRiENDS: keep your shit so long as they forget its yours.

FAKE FRiENDS: Know a few things about you.
REAl FRiENDS: Could write a book about you with direct quotes from you.

FAKE FRiENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAl FRiENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.

FAKE FRiENDS: Would knock on your front door.
REAl FRiENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!"

FAKE FRiENDS: Are for awhile.
REAl FRiENDS: Are for life.

FAKE FRiENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
REAl FRiENDS: Will knock them the fuck out.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will use you as a human shield to save their own life.
REAL FRIENDS: Would die for you and you would do the same for them.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will rat you out to save their own ass.
REAL FRIENDS: Would  say hell yeah we did that whats  it to you ?

FAKE FRIENDS: will not get plastered with you, but invite people that you don't know!
REAL FRIENDS: Always gets plastered with you and then carry your ass home even if its a hell of a walk!

Try to increase the frequency of your encounters. The more sex you have, the more primed the pump. Also, make a point of making contact. Hold hands, give your partner a squeeze when you are in the kitchen making dinner, at a party, or waiting in line at the grocery store.  Play. There is no reason why adults shouldn't engage in bouts of jesting, frolicking, and plain-old fun. In fact, play is a very healthy pastime. Having fun and laughing are excellent aphrodisiacs.  Change positions during sex. Get imaginative. If you like, get a book on sexual positions or get a copy of the Kama Sutra for some extra sensual ideas.  Put a sexy note (a description of your favorite fantasy) in your partner's briefcase or car. Send a sexy e-mail (make sure NOT to use your work e-mail, as employers may have the right to review all e-mail that you receive at work). Call your partner at work during a lunch break and tell him/her exactly what you want to do to him/her after work-and DO it later.  Flirt with your partner in public. Showing him/her that he/she is desirable will feed the flames and send you two running for the bedroom.  Make some naughty purchases. Go shopping for lingerie/sex toys together. Use sexy lingerie and sex toys to spice up some of your sexy sessions.  Do a strip tease for your partner. Put on sexy music that can get you in the mood. And laugh about it to ease the pressure. Role play. Act out a sexy scenario from a movie, book or a forbidden fantasy. Step beyond the bedroom doors. Spend the night in a hotel or go camping. Have sex in the kitchen or living room. Get out of the bed!  Give each other long, slow, sensual massages. Explore every inch of your partner's body with your fingertips, but refrain from having intercourse. The sexual tension will wind you two up like steel springs for the next encounter.  Make love just before you are expecting company. The urgency of the sex and the forbidden secret will keep you hot for a week.  Masturbate in front of your lover without letting him/her touch you. Getting turned on together will raise desire to dizzying heights.  Reminisce out loud with your partner. Talk about that time when you two had that mind-bending, body twisting sex. The more memory of sexual bliss is a turn-on! If your sex life is fantastic, this will improve it. For those that aren't so enthusiastic about their sexual relationships, or are miserable, this positive approach is less likely to be the catalyst for hot and uninhibited lovemaking. But it can't hurt and focusing on the positive is in general a good practice.  Sex and communication. Communication and knowledge is a valuable tool for those lovers who are already happy. But for those experiencing problems, the best solution would be to skip the formalities and just start making love. You have to start somewhere and it seems that this is the best place. You can learn with your bodies and communicate physically. The more you do it, the more knowledgeable, comfortable and satisfied you could become. And then communication will follow.  "Oh those things you say". In public, whisper in your partner's ear how much you want to make love - and later show your enthusiasm. Talking dirty is also very stimulating for both men and women during sex. Simply narrating (saying what feels good, how you feel, how you feel for the other person) in explicit terms is not necessarily easy for everyone. Talking to your partner about what terms for sex and genitals turn you on is a good place to start. Once you agree on mutually arousing terminology, you can try verbalizing your sexual feelings in the height of passion. If expressing yourself works, it will become easier and easier.  Porno a no-no? Porn can work for some but not for others. The key lies in sharing your views about porn with your partner, so that you are both equally comfortable. If you are both on the same page, shop around to find porn that you both like.  Take a vacation. Romantic get-a-ways are a good way to reconnect with your partner. Leaving the responsibilities of work and children, or everyday life behind for a brief period can lift a heavy weight from your shoulders. You can then relax and enjoy the scenery of your partner's naked body.

I feel like I'm a horrible person. At times I want to gouge out my eyes because I feel like I don't deserve to see the beautiful things in life. Its a never ending struggle with myself I just want some peace in my life, but not from religion or relious beliefs because I am atheist. Its never the same any more, to just crave death and embracing death with a passion. It's like death is my bitch lover, metaphorically anyway. I'm just waiting for the day I die, but I want a slow and painful death without the sulking bull shit that usually comes with dieing. I'm sick of life in general. At times I think my mom should have had an abortion so I would not be here in the world which to me sounds intriguing, but feel disgusted of the thought. Maybe I'm just meant to suffer and have agonizing mental torment through out my life time. I'd laugh if this was karma's way of saying, pay back is a bitch have a nice day. I know I should have been dead a long time ago. For some odd reason I'm still alive, almost as if there is something keeping me alive, like not accomplishing a specific goal that ties me to the world of the living. Also to suffer in the process of it all. Its a complicated world, one I will never understand. To me, life is just some big game, where every one loses in the end of it all. I have a creative thought process that is over whelming to point where I ask myself is it ever going to stop. Everything is just building up to point where I'm on the verge to a nervous break down. I could sure use a vacation from this stupid shit.

It all started after my father died, I became suicidal-homicidal. My life was perfect until that fateful day my father killed himself on July 22nd , 1997. My father hung himself in the house I still live in to this day. I saw him hanging from a rope lifeless. I asked mom whats wrong with dad. She told me to go upstairs also not to come back downstairs again.   I don't know whats harder to see at the age of seven, seeing my father hanging with a rope around his neck lifeless, or watch him get buried in the ground. My life has never been the same since. I also decided to kill myself, to be with my father, but it was an unsuccessful attempt. The rope was to god damn long and my feet hit the ground. I was infuriated I did  not die. I was sent to the insane asylum for seven months to get help for trying to kill myself. I was pretending to be fine for four months after I was released, but once again it went to shit. I went to visit some family later on and they had a climbing tower with a rope attached to it, I would have been dead if my family hadn't stopped me. Once again a failed attempt to die. Also once more I was sent to the insane asylum for a much longer stay Eleven and a half months gone in a blink of an eye. I went home after my eleven and a half month stay, but my life was still shit. While in the insane asylum I was heavily medicated and out of my fucking mind. The thing that hurt me the most was the fact that my family visited me in the mental institution, it tore me up inside for them to see me in that state of mind. I'm going to skip ahead two years or this life story could go on forever. I'm about ten and I find a razor blade, which at the time I thought it could be useful to end my own life. I cut myself to the point, where I was standing in a puddle of my own blood.  I enjoyed the pain it was great. I was a pill popper from the age of thirteen and a half to fifteen. I popped pills to escape the pain and suffering. I used uppers and downers in a combination, but it was only temporary for the numbness to last, so I went cold turkey from pills all together. Self medicating was no answer for my salvation. I used other substances  & drugs as well, but I'm not going to get into that. I was homicidal in the past, I made many attempts on my brothers life also other peoples lives as well. I have been in and out of insane asylums a majority of my life. If my father were here he would be ashamed of me for things I've done. The one thing I hate about my past is that it always comes back to haunt me. I also lost a great friendship because of my past.   


                                                               

I slept under the stars last night on the cold ground imagining what could have been . Even thought there is no way to take back what happened in the past .  My life has been a complete waste of time until I realized what is important and whats not . I never did get to thank you properly for showing me the significance of the little things in life. I never thought the little things in life would mean everything to me. Even for me to be alive today is a feat of its own in my opinion. I hope karma is just bullshit because if not I'm totally screwed . The reason I hope karma dose not exist is because I've done so many things that are sadistic and totally fucked up . I never thought I would regret every thing later in life , at least I have a conscience . I always try to learn from my mistakes and trying not to repeat them in the process.