Yes, I can sleep really long. It is the most beatiful kind of life. I have always so many dreams, about nature, friends, meeting..I can feel fear, but there is not a such fear I feel in a real life. I have never felt a shame in my dreams. I have never been a coward in them. Never. In the real life I am a coward every day. I can damn but I can't make a really big change in my life. I can think "I hate you people" but I can't begin to tell "no" when I don't want something. What a pity...

I said today to myself again "I can't bear my life." So many years and I can't find the sense of life despite of my faith in God. First I had felt sadness for many years until I began to feel this horrible fear...I was for many years with one foot in the very spiritual world. I have felt so much all spirituals things and experienced a lot of miracles. But I sufferd a lot. And nothing and nobody couldn't help me. The doctors said "neurosis"...WHAT THE FUCKING????

It was really long storie. Maybe sometime I will write something more.

It is difficult for me, that after so many years, after so many conversations, after so many prayers I didn't find the sesne of my life! And every morning is difficult to me, that almost every day I can say "The only beatyful life is in my dreams".

It was lovely time..full of degeneracy. There were 10 days totally freedom. The kitchen wasn't the kitchen more. The mugs were missing, all were dirty. Cats were everywhere, I didn't remember how many? three probably.. I was sleeping 20 hours every day.

WHY? Because I had to experience totally protest. Against what? Against my life, against the people, against principles, against men (espiecially), against my willing to making sex, against...no matter, against all..I was furious...but now..

I am calm, quiet and I will go tomorrow to the work with a big smile.

But I think these feeling are so good. I made eventually what I wanted so long. I don't want to talk more to the people I have never liked. I don't want to smile when I am sad. And I can experience my faith without a false attitude that I have to tell all the people "I love you, I love you so much, You can do all with me what you want".

No, I want to respect my feelings, my opinions, my necessities. I have a courage to tell to the God "this and this You created totally incorrectly" because I don't accept something, like that the children are bringing down during sex, often accidentaly, without willing. What an idea???!

I really regret my photo couldn't load to the main profile..Maybe tomorrow. Why? because my coiffure talks all about me. Just two faces. One is really romantic and feminine, and the second rater sharp and short. It means I have asymmetric hair on may head. But where is the problem? My hairdresser has the problem with me. I done it today again. I took a scissors (to the papier of course) and tried to cut my coiffure shorter. And? The impression isn't impressive...I have a hole in my head..

And I have to call my hairdresser again and talk "hmmm sorry, I have froliced again...and she (traditionally) will ask me "Have you done it with paper-scissors?" and I will answer "Yessss".

She is really good hairdresser, make always something good from my trying better my hair...

I am really not patient.

Oh yes, this is my first time. Not so beautyful, not so comfortable, but it can be. Everybody has to experience it. My mind is working to quickly last time.I began to use a lot of swear-words, what an unusual behaviour for me..In my kitchen there are a lot of dishes, I haven't any mugs to have a tea...all are dirty. And three cats make me nervous..One - woman-cat, second man-cat, and the last called madman.

The first is always sleeping with me, naturally the paws under the bedding, the mouth on the pillow and when I am turning round in the bad I meet her big, hairy and warm bum..ehh..

Last time my second cat wanted to shit. He has a very special place to make it, you know. There is dish with a roof. One day he took his head to this dish and began to shit just on my floor!! I staied without any word!

Does anybody have any doubt my beeing mad? Just look at me. I look so when I am thinking to much about life... he he.