Hey, sorry I haven't been posting. But I just haven't really thought about it. My first week at school was very stressful. After that, things started to settle down... Which was good for me.. But everytime I feel like I'm starting to get happy and make new friends, it feels like something comes and ruins it... I've only been here for three weeks, and I don't think I've felt even more alone than I do now. I mean, sure, I do have a couple solid friends, but I don't know if any others are really.... I mean, Shawn's a nice guy and all.... But I don't know. It's harder for me to have guy friend's than it is for me to have a girl friend. Because of my past. No one at this school knows much about me... The only thing I've really talked about is Amanda... But she's not my past... She's my best friend. I don't even think of telling people about me... It just never comes to my mind... But when I'm around Shawn, it's different. I have so many things that are in my head that I want to tell him. So many things I want to argue about with him. But I can't seem to bring myself to say them... The first night he called me, it was so hard to keep from telling him... I believe one shouldn't hold in what they feel... But this is different. I guess you could call me a hypocript... I always hold in what I feel sometimes, but most of the time you can tell, or I'll tell you exactly how I feel... I don't understand why there are rates on blogs... I mean, sure, some of the blogs can be used for someone's story, music, poem, ect.. but you can't just rate someone's life. You can use the comments to give someone advice... But you can't rate and be like, that person's life sucks, but I'm gonna try and make him/her feel better by rating and saying it's awesome... My head feels so cloudy... Right now I just can't stop thinking about Chris... And I hate it... I just want to talk to him just once, tell him how I feel. What I think. Maybe then, I could stop thinking about my first love...